You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
