Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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