mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
