Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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