Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
