Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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