I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize