Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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