I skipped work to stalk him.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
