I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
