i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
