I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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