I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
