I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
