I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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