Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
