He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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