At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
