I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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