my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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