sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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