OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
