Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
