you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
