my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
