I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
