i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
