If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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