I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize