So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
