I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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