community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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