Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
