I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize