After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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