Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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