the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
