don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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