I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
