I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
