My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
