So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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