New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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