we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize