i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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