The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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