I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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