Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
