Kareoke will never be a sober sport
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
