Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize