i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
