I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
