I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
