my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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