Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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