You made me cry and you don't even care
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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