party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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