Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
