Don't make out with my wife yet
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
