I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the day after is always just damage control
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
