I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
