Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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